Picture this; The Zombie Apocalypse has begun. Zombies are EVERYWHERE. Everyone is in deep survival and desperation mode. You finally find a safe haven, you turn around and you see these 5 morons, and you quickly think to yourself “I’d rather have the undead rip my stomach open and chow down on my inerds, or get bitten and forever walk the earth like a true lamebrain.
Here’s our Top 5 People You Don’t Want to be Stuck With During The Zombie Apocalypse:
# 1 – Miley Cyrus
This tongue wagging dizmo is a human air horn so you can forget about staying quiet to avoid being heard or keeping a low profile. Miley is also known to be an attention whore that will do anything, or sacrifice anyone to be seen and heard. In other words she’s a colossal liability to your safety. If you find yourself alone with her in the middle of the Zombie Apocalypse….maim her and use her big salty loud mouf as a distraction to cause an oncoming herd of walkers to pounce on her while you make a clean getaway. Run fast tho. Not a whole lot of meat on that boney frame of hers to keep zombies too occupied. Zombies will find more meat in a cheese sandwich.
# 2 – Gilligan
Whether you’ve got a clear avenue for a quick escape, or you find keys in a fully stocked Winnebago with a full tank of gas, or come across a stockpile of high powered weapons and ammo; you’re literally DEAD MEAT if Gilligan is nearby. Dopey and dumb as a box of rocks, Gilligan is the ultimate “mush”. Gilligan will make sure any good plan is guaranteed to turn into a pile of ash. Just ask his castaway friends. Basically, all the castaways had to do to get off of “Gilligan’s Island” was to kill Gilligan. Drown him, dome him with a sizable coconut, or just simply squeeze his chicken neck. Don’t give him any responsibilities, weapons, keys, provisions, NOTHING ! One thing is for sure if you do give him responsibilities; you will die, and it WILL be Gilligan’s fault.
# 3 – G.G. Allin
The last person you’d want to be stuck with would be someone who just doesn’t give 2 craps about living or dying. Sometimes crazy could be an asset in desperate situations like zombies running you down, and cornering you. Your sheer will to survive and adrenaline pumping is the kind of crazy that may be the answer. With G.G. Allin, not so much. All he’ll accomplish is to run around drunk and high, bash beer bottles over his head, scream and yell, and won’t take any orders from anyone. A true psychopath with a death wish. And to make matters worse, he’s been known to smell like the worst Kentucky outhouse you’ll ever walk into. Stinks so bad, hungry Zombies would find themselves holding their noses as they force down a mouthful of G.G. guts…and then eventually hurl. G.G. is a definite NO NO.
# 4 – Urkel
The last thing you want to hear in desperate times of survival where your life and the lives of loved ones hang in the balance is a big crash then a nasally, winey voice saying “Did I do thaaaat?” Steve Urkel would probably survive the Zombie Apocalypse..but would leave a trail of dead, half eaten people that unknowingly took him in, only to die because of this numb skull. Bad jokes, snorts when he laughs, and endlessly asking idiotic questions. Sucker punch him, and leave him for dead, but take his Coke bottle glasses with you. They may come in handy as a magnifying glass to create campfires or signal fires.
# 5 – George Costanza
Now, who wants to be stuck in a life threatening situation where cool, calm, quick, intelligent decisions need to be made, and the guy next to you is the most neurotic, negative, self doubting loser on the planet ? If you do, George Costanza is your man. Nothing like being around someone who will shoot your ideas down in flames before you even finish your sentence. This moron will cause sheer panic, and cause people to scream everywhere he goes. Go the Miley route and maim him. His constant screaming and complaining will attract tons of Zombies and buy you some time to get away….from Costanza, not the zombies.
There’s our Top 5 Losers. Admit it, that’s a bunch that’s gonna be hard to beat. Let us know your Top 5 !